These past few days have been very rough on me emotionally. I am still very excited about the possibility of getting Ariannah and about finally being able to say that I am a MOM!!! But in a way, preparing for this adoption is still a reminder that I can’t have a baby of my own.
I realize that I am being selfish. Of course I will love Ariannah like she is my very own and I will love everything about her. It is just that I will never get to feel her in my belly, I will never see her little heartbeat on an ultrasound, and I will never get to experience her birth. I am one of those crazy people who want to have morning sickness and want to watch my belly grow over 9 months….the things I have dreamed about since I was little.
I have spent a lot of time in prayer and have asked God to take away my anger and jealousy. I used to participate in infertility support groups and find strength in success stories, but now I just feel bitterness and anger. The devil is taking the best thing that has ever happened to me and using it to bring out my downfalls. What I need to remember is that God has brought Ariannah into my life and I should be thankful for this amazing opportunity. I am sure that in a year from now I won’t have any doubts about why things turned out the way they did. God’s plan has always proven better than my own. So why do I continue to make my own path instead of choosing His???
And if something happens and we don’t get Ariannah….this little girl has made me realize that we CAN love a child that is not our own and that adoption is definitely an option for us. There are thousands of children needing forever homes and whether it is Ariannah or a child we have not yet met, we WILL be parents!!!
But we very very much want it to be Ariannah. It is crazy how much Derek and I feel like we actually know her….we talk about her constantly and make plans for her future. We pray for her and say good-night to her before we go to bed. I talked to her social worker today and all of the paperwork was just completed in Indiana and is somewhere in the mail today on its way to Kentucky. There are still a few more steps…but we are getting closer each day to bringing her home. I can’t wait until I have more pictures to show everyone! Keep us in your prayers.
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3 comments:
i TOTALLY relate (well, not TOTALLY because i haven't been through the loss you have so i don't want to be one of those people that says i understand when i don't 100% understand) but i get what you mean about watching your belly grow and feeling her move and looking forward to morning sickness! that is just not meant for us. not for right now anyway. maybe later, maybe not. but thank God we have blessings like Ariannah and Jude to look forward to! the waiting is soooo hard, but we can do it! praying everything keeps going smoothly for you guys!
i do pray for you all- every night! i hope she's home by halloween and that you'll be playing santa this christmas!
I don't want to say I understand, because I haven't been in your exact situation, but I can completely empathize with how much it hurts to have an angel baby (bu not 6), and to deal with the struggles of infertility. You guys are extremely strong. The pain you have felt must be excruciating. I know you will have the family you want and deserve.
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